The Gift That Keeps On Giving

I'm beginning to wish the NFL Draft wasn't coming up so quickly because Jerry Brewer just can't quit writing about it. I kind of feel like I'm beating up kids on the short bus at this point, but when is that not satisfying?

Jerry Brewer's Five NFL draft rules for Seahawks guru Tim Ruskell

This is going to be awesome. Even the title of the article blows my dick.

By now, you should be so tired of NFL draft speculation that you'd rather watch Lawrence Taylor's "Dancing With the Stars" highlight video.

I'm beginning to suspect that Jerry goes home every night and beats off to Bill Simmons columns. Hey Jerry, minus 1 point for no Teen Wolf reference in the first sentence.

Who will the Seahawks pick?

We don't know. That's why you keep writing the same article over and over and over again.

Better yet, when will the Seahawks finally make this pick?

Well, the draft starts at 1:00 pm PT and I believe the teams have 10 minutes to make a selection this year. The Hawks have the #4 overall pick, so I'm guessing sometime between 1:30 and 1:40 pm PT. Unless they trade it, which would render this entire article pointless.

Saturday can't come soon enough, and after all these weeks of debate and double talk, Seattle figures to make a very formulaic selection.

Ahhh, a formulaic selection. Whatever you say.

So, instead of engaging in more winless arguments, it would be wiser to decipher the Seahawks' code and judge the candidates for the No. 4 pick based on their criteria.

Actually, you can win these arguments. The Hawks are going to make a selection on Saturday. If you guessed what they were going to do, you win the argument.

Call them the Ruskell Rules.

Fucking brilliant!

Tim Ruskell, the team president, is as tight-lipped as any pro sports executive when it comes to discussing specific decisions, but he's also quite transparent about his general philosophies. Listen to him, research his history, and you can whittle his draft strategy down to a five-item cheat sheet.

I bet you did none of those things because you were too busy waxing your axle watching Shawn Johnson on Dancing with the Stars. It's really hard to trust any of your research and analysis after all the stability/continuity/consistency bullshit you spewed over Smiley Ty. The only research you did there was whether or not Willy could get your rubbery dick to half mast and the answer came back as a resounding "Yes!". I hear he's currently unemployed. You could fly down to the Bay Area and he could pay you for a blow job. All courtesy of the money he stole from the University of Washington.

Let's pluck the top candidates into the Ruskell Rules, assign a point system for fun and see what happens. For this argument's sake, let's rule out Matthew Stafford and Jason Smith, who are likely to go 1-2. Kansas City is picking third, but the Chiefs' preference remains a mystery, so let's not rule out a third guy and offer a list of these seven draft hopefuls: Aaron Curry, Michael Crabtree, Mark Sanchez, Eugene Monroe, B.J. Raji, Brian Orakpo and Aaron Maybin.

Okay, fine. I'll play along with your arbitrary point system, though I don't understand why it would be so hard to include those 2 extra names. Especially since it sounds like the Lions could possibly pick Aaron Curry, at which point Matt Stafford might very well be available.

Rule No. 1: Character is essential

God, this is going to be fun.

In 1992, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers promoted Ruskell from scout to director of college scouting, and over the past 17 years, he's thrived by making personnel recommendations and decisions based heavily on character. The Seahawks grade college players both on their personal and football character. With the No. 4 pick, they're certain not to give $25 million in guaranteed money to a knucklehead.

This is true. The Hawks have definitely made character a large priority in their picks and I would certainly hope they wouldn't give $25 million to a "knucklehead". There is nothing particularly deep or insightful here.

Past success stories: Derrick Brooks, Lofa Tatupu.

Only 2 examples you can give from Ruskell's 17 years of scouting? This doesn't speak very highly to the research that you've done. Also, Lofa was a 2nd round pick, so I'm not quite sure that applies.

Good matches (add two points): Curry, Crabtree, Monroe, Maybin, Orakpo and Sanchez (accused of sexual assault in 2006 but wasn't charged).

Ummmm....what? So he wasn't charged. Jerry Brewer understands that bitches be bitches and sometimes you just gotta take the pussy.

Bad matches (subtract two points): Raji. He reportedly tested positive for marijuana at Boston College, struggled with academics, lacked acceptable work ethic and got kicked out of a game for fighting three years ago.

First, can we stop making it a big deal if players test positive for marijuana? Who gives a fuck? Some of the nicest guys I've ever met were stoners. Also, the report that he tested positive for weed at the combine turned out to be false. Lofa Tatupu can get DUIs and he's a character guy, but Raji hits the bong and he's a dickhead? Fuck you.

I reject the notion that Jerry Brewer has any clue to what Ruskell thinks of these guys character. Ruskell watches these guys work out, takes them to dinner, and meets their families. Brewer read half an article out of SI while watching American Idol and suddenly he's a fucking authority on the matter.

Rule No. 2: A considerable body of work matters more than a meteoric rise

Ruskell leans toward selecting seniors who started multiple seasons in college. Of his high draft picks with the Seahawks, the notable exception was Chris Spencer, a 2005 first-round pick from Mississippi. Spencer didn't become a full-time starter until his senior season, so he was considered a pick with upside, but in reality, he has struggled with injuries and mastering the nuances of playing center for the Seahawks.

So this is what he does except for that one time when he didn't. Also, Kelly Jennings blows and Lawrence Jackson had a pretty bad year. To be honest, Ruskell hasn't had a ton of success with 1st Round draft picks since he's been in Seattle, though the jury is still out.

Good matches: Curry, Monroe, Raji, Orakpo, Crabtree (played only two seasons at Texas Tech but won the Biletnikoff Award twice).

Actually, that makes Crabtree not a match at all since he isn't a senior.

Bad matches: Sanchez, Maybin.

Fuck you. Sanchez makes your arbitrary criteria just as much as Crabtree does. Also, why did you stop awarding points? I thought you were keeping score using Ruskell's formula.

Rule No. 3: Must love the game

It's an extension of football character. Ruskell prefers serious football players — guys who would play for hundreds instead of millions — because a big payday can easily change an athlete's commitment level.

Every fucking NFL president, coach, and GM wants this. Who wants to draft a guy that is going to start fucking slacking as soon as he gets paid.

Past success stories: Mike Alstott, John Carlson.

I like John Carlson but he's played one year in the NFL for a team that went 4-12. I'm not sure I'm buying that blueprint just yet.

Good matches: Curry, Crabtree, Monroe, Brian Orakpo, Maybin and Sanchez.

Yeah, Crabtree and Sanchez care so little about getting paid that they even left school a year early so they could start getting paid a year early. Wait, what?

To be fair, Mark Sanchez is probably taking a pay cut going from USC to the NFL.

Bad matches: Raji.

We get it. You hate Raji. Again, what happened to the points?

Rule No. 4: Big conferences and big schools equal big impact

Ruskell has overseen 30 draft picks during his four years with the Seahawks. Only one of them, long snapper Tyler Schmitt, played at a non-Bowl Championship Series school. And Schmitt, who played at San Diego State, has a serious back problem. Ruskell's craving for big-school guys is steeped in solid logic: The competition they face, in games and on the practice field, is a good indicator that they can handle the highs and lows of battling the world's best football players daily.

What a shock that the best football players come from the best football playing schools. Everyone that comes from a non-BCS school and conference, like Utah in the Mountain West, is just a shitty assplug. There's no way those players could hang with the warriors forged on the battlefields of the mighty Southeastern Conference.

Here's an idea. Draft the guys who are best at playing fucking football. I love fucking football.

Past success stories: Close your eyes and pick one.

Okay, Chris Spencer. Oh shit, you already said he was bust.

Good matches: All.

So there was no point to this at all.

Rule No. 5: Heart over height

This is both Ruskell's most endearing and frustrating trait. He doesn't obsess over height — or any measurements, for that matter. He prefers to look at athletic ability and competitiveness. For the Seahawks, his belief has worked in some cases (Tatupu) and failed in some cases (Kelly Jennings), but Ruskell refuses to budge. He values the intangible of heart.

If your bullshit detector wasn't going off a while ago, it should be flipping out right about now. So Ruskell loves the scrappy underdog, the guy who is all heart and blood and guts and shit, the David Ecksteins of the NFL world, but he hates guys from outside of BCS conferences? What kind of fucking system is that? If this is actually how Ruskell drafts, then we're fucked.

Past success stories: Ronde Barber, Warrick Dunn, Tatupu.

Christ, would you get off of Lofa's tip?

Jerry Brewer: "Ruskell is brilliant! He drafted Lofa!"

Chad Sexington: *Kills self*

Good matches: Crabtree, Sanchez, Curry, Monroe, Orakpo and Maybin.

Bad matches: Raji. His effort is too inconsistent.

Wait, so are you talking about guys who play hard now? I thought you were talking about guys who break the mold and play larger than their diminuitive stature should let them. Because every player in the top 10 is physical specimen. None of them fit that criteria.

I see, you just wanted another chance to bag on BJ Raji. I get it.

OK, here's how those seven players fared: Curry (10 points), Crabtree (10), Monroe (10), Orakpo (10), Sanchez (6), Maybin (6) and Raji (minus-2).

When the hell did you start awarding points again? And if everything is worth the same amount of points, why did you choose each to be worth 2 points? Why not 1 point? Or better yet, award them a Big Black Dildo for a match and an Ass Popsicle for a mismatch and then make your choice based on the player's ratio of Big Black Dildos to Ass Popsicles. That would make about as much sense as this.

It looks like we're back to debating Curry, Crabtree and Monroe, with Orakpo as a possible surprise choice. It's a familiar list for anyone who doesn't want the Seahawks to pick a quarterback.

Yes, like you. I see what you did there. Though apparently Ruskell might want to pick a QB which would debunk your whole formula. Thanks for the insight though. You narrowed it down to 4 players out of 7, while hedging your bets for another 2.

As long as Ruskell doesn't take Raji, you can't accuse him of not following his own rules.

Sooooooooo, he's following his own rules as long as the player finished with a positive score now? So, you made it even more broad. "Ummmm, so here's 7 players the Hawks might draft and here are Ruskell's rules. It might be 6 of the 7, as long as they don't draft BJ Raji. But they might take BJ Raji."

Jerry, do us all a favor. Next time just title the article "I Fucking Hate BJ Raji And This Is Why."